I always thought that I would outgrow the animosity that goes with growing up a Michigan fan in Lansing. The funny thing is with the Michigan/Michigan State rivalry…the fanatics, from either fan base, never outgrow it. Its social impacts just evolve…especially now that Little Brother has finally grown a pair!! It’s all fun and games to some folks, like me. I absolutely LOVE to stir the pot and completely piss off State fans. I will tell you why as I carry on my tradition today. Keep in mind, this is all in fun, insults and all. And, with a big game coming up on Sunday in Ann Arbor, there’s no better time than now to give you my:

Eight Reasons to Hate State Fan

  • 1

    He has ruined my experience of bar viewing.

    There’s nothing like living in a house divided. I know it’s hard to believe, but I tend to drive my better half nuts on fall Saturdays. She’s one of them, but not “HIM”. (I had to get that in here…no more couches!!) The best option for me is to vacate the premises and find a local watering hole to watch my beloved Blue. Without fail, every damn time, he’s there with a group of clones hootin’ and hollerin’ at every play that goes against my team. Whether it’s CMU, Western, even frickin’ Notre Dame (I should rest my case with that!!) and don’t even get me started on that Appalachian State thing. I mean, seriously…he actually wears the hats and shirts still!!! I now have to strategically plan my destination for viewing to avoid this classless loser.

  • 2

    “Michigan fans live in the past”

    Ah, yes, his new phrase of choice. It’s ironic, though. The same past he speaks of is filled with tradition and storied lore that allows homegrown kids like me to become enthralled with The Michigan Tradition. Which by the way, has lots of Big Ten Championships, Rose Bowl appearances that seem to come around once every generation at MSU, three Heisman trophy winners, legendary coaches, and NUMEROUS ass-kickings of Michigan State that helped Michigan become the all-time winningest College Football program. Don’t forget, a lot of those years in the past coincide with the Izzo Era, and we’re seeing how that playing field is being leveled. By the way…speaking of the past…when was your last Final Four? Oh, yeah…in that same past.

  • 3

    His hate, envy, and overall delusion

    The aforementioned past has fueled State Fan with envy, jealousy, and delusional thoughts. I kind of empathize with him. I mean, so many disappointing seasons. He’s had to watch us Michigan fans confidently celebrate the achievements of the young athletes that built the pride instilled within the walls of The Big House, Yost Ice Arena, Crisler Center, and Olympic venues worldwide. The Michigan following is worldwide. The brand is still amongst the top selling trademarks in all of sports. Yet, State Fan’s attention goes no further than Clinton, Eaton, and Ingham Counties, aside from the few educated hipsters that found the trendy lands of sun. The funny part is, and he knows it, is despite the football team’s recent success, nobody cares still!! This is why you’ll always be the runt nursing on the hind teet.

  • 4

    His delusion leads to unrealistic expectations

    Before the Big Ten Championship and Rose Bowl, there was the first four weeks of the 2013 football season; and the 2012 football season; and the 2012-13 basketball season; and any other season that included a loss to Michigan…my point? State Fan had to be worked off the ledge. He was all set to take the mighty bridge jump. “The players suck!” he said. “The coaches need to be fired!!” State Fan thinks his team has some given right to go to the Final Four, win a conference championship, go undefeated in football…for the love of all that’s good imagine next year if they don’t repeat their feat!!! Reality check: the string of a Final Four every four is in jeopardy this year!! I’m sure he thinks anything but is failure.

  • 5

    He’s a trendy, hype-monger

    Considering his team is still irrelevant on the national landscape after a dream season in the nation’s biggest sport, State Fan must be so giddy about his team’s recent success because it actually resembles his fantasyland Dyansty Mode fabricated by EA Sports. It’s all about being hype!! Remember in the late ‘90’s when the hip cats with street cred always said “That’s weak,” to whatever those hip cats didn’t like? Well State Fan changed the lyrics of his fight song to be trendy and cool, too! He’s so proud of all of the little gimmicks that his teams have been apart of these recent years…The Basketbowl, aircraft carriers, orchestrated fan bases, Friday Night football games, all the other ways they’ve whored out for attention and exposure. Oh, yes, State Fan loves it, and now has learned to take it viral!!!! Real programs need no such hype!!

  • 6

    He’s the epitomizes the term “Internet Troll”

    The trendy, techno-geek inside of him frequently takes time away from his Dynasty Mode, fantasy leagues, and real responsibilities to show how funny and smart he can be. His clones love it!! And, like me, he has developed an urge to stick and jab whenever he can.  But, I’m far too busy to spend time creating cutesy little YouTube parody films, digging up or fabricating any dirt that I can about the rival I hate so much, or to come up with nifty little emoticons, phrases and acronyms that my fellow fans find funny and witty.

  • 7

    “Walmart Wolverine”

    Well, speaking of such a nifty little phrase…

    Somehow State Fan learned to believe that you’re not allowed to root for a college sports team unless you paid tuition or took classes there. I can rationalize this stupidity in only one way. State Fan is just another techno-geek who’s bitter because he got rejected by The University of Michigan and had to settle for something. And, once there, he found that he wasn’t the only one. In fact, there were thousands of other trendy, hype-mongers in the same situation. Now, they all cackle amongst themselves, self-breeding the delusional mindset within each other.  I didn’t get in, either, but I don’t blame anybody but myself for underachieving in high school. I’m certainly not going to abandon the fandom I developed through my entire life. I thought that was called a “sell-out”...or “bandwagon jumper”? Which frickin’ way is it??? Hold true to yourself? Or, hold a grudge to others?

  • 8

    He’s Classless

    I guess this one phrase pretty much sums it up. I’m a diehard Michigan fan. I enjoy watching Ohio State lose. I enjoy watching State Fan writhe and squirm in agony when his team loses. But, I will give credit to other teams when the credit is due…whether I like it or not.  First of all, it’s just sports. It’s all fun and games. I know what Michigan State University provides to the Greater Lansing Area, and to thousands of students every year. The research done at MSU benefits so many efforts worldwide.  I respect any institution that impacts so many lives, and those that make it happen. Yet, State Fan will make sure he has all of his green and white gear loud and proud when he goes to visit somebody at U-of-M Hospital. He’ll go out of his way to disrespect the coaches and student-athletes at Michigan. And, of course, he can’t handle the recent success of his favorite team with any sort of humility. This sucks for me, too. I like watching Tom Izzo and the local kids play and do well. Football, well that’s a monster of its own. But, nowadays, I find myself acting like State Fan, rooting for MSU to lose more often, just to watch him cry and hear him bitch. It sure is fun to watch, fun to hear. I sure hope State Fan figures out he’s a d-bag and changes his ways before a morph into a smarter and superior version of him…for, I am a Michigan fan!!!



    In all seriousness, this list is all in good fun, as far as you know from my words...;-) I know that every team, professional or amateur, has good fans...and fans like the one I described. Hell, I may even be one of "Those Michigan Fans."

    Feel free to strike back, Spartan fans!!

    Sunday's prediction: Michigan 82 MSU 73

    Go Blue!!