The following is a leaked transcript of Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh's prepared remarks as Paramus Catholic's commencement ceremony keynote speaker. Also, it is satirical, meaning it is fake and should not be taken seriously. You can read the transcript below and hear it recited in the video above.

Welcome graduates, friends, family and colleagues. It is my distinct pleasure and true honor to have the opportunity to recruit address you today.

When I was first notified about the great football players here opportunity to deliver the keynote commencement address here, I was a bit overwhelmed. After all, this is Paramus Catholic, a legendary school that boasts tremendous alumni like Jabrill Peppers, Rashan Gary and...Jabrill Peppers and Rashan Gary.

So what should I say to you? What life-altering words can I deliver you today, as you embark upon adulthood, to set the trajectory of a successful career? What indelible rallying cry can I leave you with?

Well, luckily for me, I spent years with one of the most accomplished, respected football coaches in the history of the game, who was just as rife with motivational quips as he was with winning game plans. Sure, he may have never won a national championship, but that factors little into the man's undisputed greatness.

No, I'm not talking about Bo. I'm talking about my father, Jack Harbaugh.

So as you move on to the next chapter of your life and decide on your recruitment career plans, I ask you this: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO'S GOT IT BETTER THAN US? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY!