Michigan is one of the most beautiful states in the country and rightly so. We're home to acres of nature preserves, wildlife areas and large bodies of water. and as a result, we're privy to an overabundance of wildlife such as Deer, Rabbits, Great Horned Owls and more. Why it's not uncommon to come across a herd of White-tailed Deer peacefully grazing in a large field at dusk or one of nine species of squirrels darting and scampering looking for food along the forest floor. But for every frolicking bunny or scenic flight of a Red-breasted Robin comes a dark lurking figure or two ready to stalk, attack and even kill.

The Most Feared Animals In Michigan

The Michigan Badger:

At least I'm not a disgruntled Honey Badger

The Badger has a very destructive temperament and some awfully aggressive behavior patterns. With many weapons led by its sharp teeth, long dagger-like claws plus a bad attitude to drive it all, it could really mess you up. Its thick, strong body protects any blows you might try to fend it off with as he latches onto one of your limbs and shakes its head violently back and forth sinking its teeth deeper and deeper into your exposed bones. Its anger wells up as it attempts to literally remove your limb from your body in hopes that it could slink away and enjoy a slow chew on your arm or leg. It's best to give this animal a wide berth of room if ever encountered.

Michigan Black Bear:

Hey!!! That's my picnic basket

Michigan Black Bears mainly roam the UP (Upper Peninsula for you non-Michiganders) not foraging for picnic baskets like you'd see on an episode of Yogi Bear but for real food including ants, bees, wild berries and protein enriched acorns. You'll know when you're about to die from a Bear attack when it rears up on its hind legs and knocks you over with its giant claw filled paw. If you survive the smack down from the Bear and you're not knocked completely senseless, do your best to protect your head and neck area because the Bear's next move is to gnaw and chew on your head and neck until your dead. Not a pleasant way to go.

The Eastern Massasauga Rattlesnake:

I speak with fork tongue

Hiking thru areas of low visibility in Michigan can be cause for concern when it comes to encountering a snake like this. This bad ass can take you out rather painfully as its venom is of the tissue eating variety causing your flesh to rot off. Even more terrifying is the fact that more often than not, hospitals don't carry the antivenom as its not easy acquire.  Avoid it all costs or you'll be doing the rattlesnake shake of death.

The Bald Eagle:

"Higher and higher straight up we'll climb" - Sammy Hagar = Dreams

Avoid this animal during mating season at all costs. The bird is known to become very territorial and keeping a safe distance would be wise. If not, imagine its large reptilian-like talons tearing into your flesh. As your tending to your deep wounds the Eagle circles for the kill. It lands on your back and quickly begins to grab the side of your neck and throat, the powerful grip of its talons begins to squeeze the breath out of you causing your veins and blood vessels to burst. If that weren't enough, the gouging from its powerful beak to your head is enough to take any man down. Think about that the next time you watch an Eagle soar overhead as the Star-Spangled Banner is being played.

The Michigan Wolf:

Need a bone to gnaw on...have any?

Wolves in Michigan were almost wiped out completely but they're back now and back with a vengeance. You can't out run one of these killing machines as they attain a top speed somewhere between 30 and 40 miles an hour. I guess the only solace you can take is that because wolves travel in packs you will be surrounded by just about the entire pack at which point you'll know when the end is near because one or two of the pack will attempt to distract you. That will be your que to know that your life will soon be over because the minute you become distracted the entire pack will begin the attack relentlessly tearing all your muscle and flesh from your bones in what could ultimately be just a few minutes. It'll  be a terrifying death but at least it'll be quick.

Gee, hope I haven't spoiled any thoughts you had of enjoying a leisurely stroll hiking through some rural woods up north. Odds are, most of these animals will avoid you at any cost but should they choose not to....well, you've been warned.

<insert maniacal laughter here>

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