Ho Ho HOLY S#%T: Explicit ‘Ornament’ Adorns Vehicle At Lansing Movie Theater
It's the most wonderful time of the year! The spirit of the holiday season pervades all parts of life, even to the point where people decorate their vehicles with reindeer antlers and red-bulbed noses.
It's a light and innocent extension of celebrating the holidays, which is what gave something I witnessed over the weekend even more shock value.
It was Saturday evening. My ladyfriend and I had just thrown away three hours and $30 for James Cameron's bloated, boring, bladder-challenging "Avatar: The Way of Water." (Appropriately named, by the way, since the movie is so lame that you find yourself competing with fellow theater patrons to see who can hold it the longest over the course of the 192-minute abomination.)
As we walked to our car, my girlfriend pointed out that a truck parked nearby had something affixed to the top center of its windshield.
"What is that?" she said arbitrarily, her voice betraying just how incredibly obvious the nature of the object in question was.
"Oh, God," I reacted instantaneously.
"Is that a—," my girlfriend asked rhetorically, in a state I can only describe as equal parts bemusement and childlike wonder.
"Yes. Yes, it is," I replied, a stoic acknowledgment of the literal perversion of Jesus' birthday to which we had just borne witness.
If you haven't figured it out from the crudely censored image above, which was edited, ostensibly, for decency but somehow brings into sharper focus just exactly what was stuck to that truck's windshield, or you simply can't put two and two together, I'll spell it out for you.
WARNING: LANGUAGE AND IMAGES YOU MAY FIND UPSETTING FOLLOW.
It was a dildo.
Here's another angle:
And a close-up:
I have so many questions, chief among them simply why? My guess — nay, hope — is that it was the work of teenagers, pulling a prank on one of their friends.
As I stood there, unable to avert my eyes from the phallus, its synthetic flesh now awkwardly wobbling and quivering in the cold December night, it hit me.
The holidays aren't about wasting precious time and money on narratively hollow cash-grabs at the theater. They aren't about festive decorations, either.
The holidays are about spending time with the people you love, whether that be at the movies, at home, or, yes, even in front of a stranger's vehicle with another stranger's sex toy attached.