Beanie Pens Poignant Farewell Letter To The Bane Of His Existence, Tom Brady
I hate you. Always have. You can tell because you don't even get the "Dear" treatment at the beginning of this letter. That's pretty bad. I've started resignation letters to awful bosses out with "Dear." I've led messages to my congressman with "Dear," even. But not for you. You're the worst.
It began as a hate rooted in good old-fashioned jealousy. I came of age as a football fan as you racked up your first three Super Bowls with New England. Over that same time, I lived and died (mostly died) as my beloved Packers put together a string of soul-crushing playoff losses that I thought I'd never get over. All the while, you were filling up those fingers with gaudy rings. That was enough right there.
Then Favre left, Rodgers took over, the Packers won one in his third year as the starter, and things were great. Green Bay was poised to recreate a dynasty like the one Lombardi had constructed 45 years prior, and you were in the middle of a decade-long title drought.
But that's when things really turned sour. As Rodgers and the Packers went on to squander so many what-should-have-been-golden years, you rejuvenated your career. You filled up that first hand with opulent jewelry, then went on to the other as you won your sixth then seventh Super Bowl. Meanwhile, Green Bay was busy innovating generationally haunting ways to lose playoff games.
Things hit a fever pitch when you personally you-know-what blocked us in the 2021 season, beating Rodgers and Co. at Lambeau Field in the NFC Championship Game. Everyone gives you the credit for that, despite the fact that you threw THREE INTERCEPTIONS IN THE SECOND HALF AND HELD ON FOR DEAR LIFE LIKE THAT DECREPIT OLD MAN THAT YOU WERE EVEN THEN WHILE YOUR ALL-WORLD DEFENSE DELIVERED YOU YET ANOTHER CHAMPIONSHIP.
That's really the essence of my burning hatred for you. You accomplished everything my favorite team should have accomplished. You've won seven Super Bowls, and played in 10. The Packers have enjoyed 31 consecutive seasons of Hall of Fame-level quarterback play and have just two trophies to show for it. Hell, you've lost as many Super Bowls as we've played for in that span. It literally keeps me up at night.
I don't much care for you as a person, either, to be honest. I've always thought you're so fake and phony that it'd make a Kardashian blush. Speaking of, you look like you've had more work done on your face than some of them.
You got a ton of credit for all the years you took a pay cut so that your team could surround you with more players, but no one ever seemed to realize that that was a luxury you could quite literally afford since you weren't the breadwinner in your own home.
Yeah, I pretty much hate you for every conceivable reason. Except for your choice in colleges, believe it or not. You were so unremarkable at Michigan that I barely remember you. You'd think I'd be able to recall the guy who almost single-handedly willed the godforsaken Wolverines to a 17-point comeback win over my alma mater in 1999, but nope. Michigan State won that game, thank God. Isn't it funny how this all works out? I hate your guts, but not for your affiliation with MSU's No. 1 enemy. Meanwhile, some of your biggest "fans," who now proudly claim you as a Michigan Man, hated you during your time in Ann Arbor more than I ever have.
Anyway, I'm glad you're gone. It's about time you got the hell out of the way and stopped hogging the Lombardi Trophy. Seriously. Statistically speaking, you went to the Super Bowl about every other year (10 times since 2002). I won't miss you. Not that I'll have the chance to, though, since FOX is giving you more money than God to be their top color commentator. It's a real shame, and not only because even in retirement you simply refuse to go the hell away.
You're gonna walk in to FOX and on Day No. 1 be handed the top color commentary job at the network, despite zero experience and all the charisma of a pet rock. Meanwhile, Greg Olsen has spent the last several years working to get better, honing his craft, becoming not just a better broadcaster but one of the better color commentators in the NFL. Despite his having actually earned that, the suits at FOX are gonna take it from him just to watch you become the next Tony Romo.
Look, I don't like you. I never have. I've never met you -- and I hope I never do -- but it feels personal to me. I don't think I've ever felt that way about someone I've never even interacted with. It's true. Congratulations.
I'll never think fondly back to the days of your title runs. You'll never hear me wistfully remembering that Patriots dynasty or your revenge tour in Tampa. Frankly, if I never see or hear from you again it'll be too damn soon.
That being said, I know greatness when I see it, and even though it may make me sick to my stomach it's still something I appreciate.
So whatever it is that you would expect of me in regards to your retirement -- you probably have a god complex and need me to acknowledge you, a la Roman Reigns, or maybe it's possible that you have a shred of class and would only ask for a simple tip of the cap (but I doubt it, considering you're the absolute worst) -- you have it.
Football's gonna be different without its GOAT.
With the kind of contempt most reserve only for Satan, the IRS, or in-laws,
Please stay retired this time.