Michigan Walmart Stores to Close for Wolverines’ Game
(Please note: This story is 100 percent fake and intended to entertain Spartan fans. It is satire and shouldn't be taken seriously by anyone)
In a stunning move, Walmart announced its Michigan stores would be closing at 7:30 p.m. tonight. The retail giant said "our stores in Michigan would be empty anyway" with Wolverine fans clamoring around the television to watch the shirtless Harbaugh era begin.
"Walmart doesn't want to waste money charging the Rascal's Michigan fans need to get around the store. In the end, we could save millions by closing during Michigan games, as Wolverine fans make up the bulk of our customers.
"Until we close, we will have a Maize and Blue light special on all Michigan gear. We know we are competing with garage sale season and have to do what we can to get those penny pinchers in here."
"We will also be having the same sale on bowls because some Michigan fans may not remember what they are. We are rolling back food prices to what they were in 1997, since that is the year most Michigan fans still live in. The sale will cover Prozac and Lithium for their unstable, disillusioned fans."